A BRIEF INTRODUCTION: Hello there! I’m Tess, and you’re about to read an experiment of mine. The experiment is to see how long I can keep a decent log of my writing life, and to see whether that log has any entertainment value. It’s sort of like a captain’s log, but almost definitely less exciting. Hope you enjoy!
Not necessarily the greatest count for a Thursday, but not bad either! Anyway, got a few more emails prepped to go out to the other segments of the email list, so I can then hopefully start to consolidate/pull over the people who really want to be there into the main list. Also got in a pretty decent workout, and managed to check off a few other items on the list.
Then I wrote 800 words, and now I’m diving back into podcast editing. I definitely need to get faster at audio editing--I think my goal in the future will be to do all the editing on Sunday, right after we record. Because it’s definitely unsustainable for it to take me three or more evenings to edit a single podcast. Ah well, I am still learning.
A Friday night. A friend of mine is going through a bit of a tough time, so I decided to make a lovely home-cooked meal of mashed sweet potatoes and spiced chickpeas, with shredded cheddar and salsa and sour cream sides. Then I accidentally bought yams because they were mislabeled at the grocery store, and learned that there is a slight difference between yams and sweet potatoes, and it primarily seems to be about color. I think I’d need to do a side-by-side to determine the difference in taste.
Anyway, I agreed to a Disney movie for the sake of my friend’s happiness, and the one we went with was Princess and the Frog. Honestly, the animation was lovely. And I liked the songs. Of course, the oddly forced inclusion of the Super Not Racist rich white family pretty much did nothing but remind me of Song of the South and everything else Disney wants us all to forget, but hey. At least these unnecessary white people also trample all over the urgency of the plot.
Slept late and stayed in bed later than I intended. Felt in something of a strange mood most of the day, and had a hell of a time getting myself to start work. Also had a burlesque show to go to in the evening, so while on most Saturdays, as long as I can get started by 7 I can still hit a good count...that was not true today. Had to leave the house around 7 to get there in time.
The burlesque show, however, was fantastic! Despite how weird and off I’d felt all day, it managed to completely transport me out of myself. And man, what a welcome distraction it was.
So, this day turned into a bit of a reckoning. To be honest, I don’t want to go into it here. I think my best summary is...I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on myself this summer. Ever since I started work on book 3, and even before that. And the closer I’ve been getting to complete collapse, the harder I’ve pushed.
And it kinda crashed on me today. A lot of negative thoughts that had been building up while I was busy denying them...just sorta unleashed themselves on me in a terrible cascade.
And then I remembered that next weekend...is a three-day weekend. AND it’s the beginning of September, which means fall, my favorite season, is on its way. And I want to be able to look forward to that, and to enjoy it.
So I decided to take a night off to reckon with myself. I want to get back to a better headspace.
SHE’S BACK, BABY!!! After my reckoning on Sunday, I decided to spend Monday evening doing a bit of self-care, and FORCING myself not to work on ANYTHING. All I did was relax, do some skincare and self-care, let myself wallow for a while, and watch some Buffy and some youtube videos. And man, I’m glad I did.
I want to note here that the Buffy I chose to watch was Season 6, and I did it with reason and purpose. If you’re a fan of Buffy and you know anything about the fan base, then you probably know that season 6 is generally pretty controversial. For a long time, most fans agreed that it was either flat-out the worst season, or tied for worst (the most popular one to tie it with is season 4.) But to be perfectly honest...I think season 6 is my favorite, even with all its flaws (and I agree it has flaws.) It’s definitely the one where I identify with Buffy herself the most, and it’s the one that is kind of the most cathartic for me, the best at making me feel better...which probably sounds odd to any fan of the show, since season 6 is generally considered the darkest, most depressing season.
But it’s depressing because it’s about depression. And that’s something I know pretty well. Season 6 was the first time I ever saw my struggle with depression reflected back to me, and it made me feel less alone. And damn, did that mean something to me.
And re-watching it now, all I can say is...while, yes, some of this season feels like a misstep, and there are some jarring shifts in tone with those slapsticky moments thrown into the dark topics of the overall season arc...when it comes to depression, this show gets it right. Everything Buffy says when she’s talking about it feels like it could have dripped straight out of my soul.
“I’m trying so hard, all the time, to seem fine for them. It’s exhausting.”
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